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KathyRME — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 10:50:46 CST

Welcome! My name is Kathryn and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

(Attention: Due to a wave in my journey, I have not been working on my webpage. Hopefully soon, I will be able to return to something that brings me pleasure.)

This site is my way of creating a space to express my inner voice.
I am a survivor of long term, multiple perpetrator, childhood sexual abuse and on a journey of healing from my experiences. I would like to invite all to share this space with me; one does not have to be a survivor of CSA to feel the need for inner expression.
Please feel free to explore all of the different pages and add comments or post threads containing your own thoughts and feelings. (I also love pictures!)

The only thing that I ask, is that you respect that this is a place of healing. Yes, healing from such traumatic experiences as sexual abuse, domestic violence, losing a loved one, or any other such experiences leaves one with some very strong emotions that can be expressed very graphically. I understand and respect that, but please do not post anything that is not an expression of a healing journey (namely advertisements for pornographic sites, pornographic jokes, pornographic pictures, and please do not solicit any of my members).

Welcome and let your spirit fly
April is:
Please join the nation to raise public awareness about sexual violence and to fight against sexual and domestic abuse by educating our neighbors and communities on how to prevent sexual assault.
"By working together and pooling our resources during the month of April, we can highlight sexual violence as a major public health issue and reinforce the need for prevention efforts." -nsvrc

Some Information About Child Sexual Abuse
First, I want to provide you with a link to the USDOJ (United States Department of Justice) site which provides you with a list of all the sexual assault coalitions in the United States. These coalitions can put you in contact with the crisis center closest to you. These centers are invaluable resources for free services, support, and information to help you or a loved one on the journey to healing the wounds of sexual abuse. Just click on this link, and it will take you right to the list. United States Department of Justice Sexual Coalitions

Child sexual abuse is a betrayal of trust that takes a sexual form of any kind. It may be physical, verbal, emotional, or all three. Whether blatant or subtle, one time or ongoing, it is a devastating abuse by someone who is older or who has more power than the victim. (Generally speaking, the term 'child' refers to girls and boys from infancy to the age of 18)

Child sexual abuse has been defined as:
"...the misuse of power by someone who is in authority over a child, for the purposes of exploiting a child for sexual gratification. It includes incest, sexual molestation, sexual assault, and the exploitation of the child for pornography or prostitution." (Source: Rix G. Rogers, Reaching for Solutions)

"Sexual abuse ranges from being forced or encouraged to watch someone else remove clothing or perform sexual acts, to being fondled and touched in private places, to being forced or encouraged to actively take part in sexual activities." (Source: Council on Children and Youth, Put the Child First"

Millions of people have been sexually abused as children. As the subject of incest is more openly discussed, many women (along with men) are beginning to wonder if they, too, are survivors of childhood abuse. I am in hopes, with the production of this site, to instill within all that recovery from sexual abuse and emotional incest is possible.

Stats and Facts: (Although many resources use the term "victim" when referring to someone who has experienced sexual abuse, I prefer to use the term "survivor" for those of us who have made it through the horrific experience and are now seeking ways to help ourselves heal. I am in no way trying to trivialize the traumatic experience with my word choice. I am trying to empower.)

Over 62 million people in the United States alone are victims or survivors of child sexual abuse.
1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will have been sexually abused by the age of 18.
Most child sexual abuse is committed by a member of the survivor's immediate or extended family, or by someone who is perceived by the survivor to be in a family-like role.
All forms of child sexual abuse are harmful to the survivors. Whether the effects are blatantly visible to others or deeply hidden within the survivor, sexual abuse destroys self-esteem and removes any sense of personal power and control over ones' life.
Survivors speak of a direct correlation between the abuse they have suffered and many commonly addressed 'social issues,' including suicide or attempted suicide, eating disorders, teen pregnancy, prostitution, and/or other self-destructive behaviors.
75%-90% of the drug and alcohol addicts seen in many in-patient treatment centers are survivors of child sexual abuse.
75% of all runaways are running away from child sexual abuse.
Because of the intense trauma of child sexual abuse, it is not uncommon for survivors to repress the memory of the abuse for many years.
Child sexual abuse is seldom a one-time occurrence. Abusive acts against each victim are repeated on average for one to four years, often much longer than four years.
Offenders come from all types of backgrounds, come in all shapes and sizes, and without intervention, do not stop abusing once they have begun. The majority of offenders are heterosexual men, but sexual abuse is also committed by women.

Categories of Sexual Abuse:

There are two categories of sexual abuse, contact and non-contact, which both have devastating effects on the survivor. Here are some examples:

Non-Contact

Flashing or exposing sexual body parts to a child
Watching intrusively as a child dresses or showers
Speaking or communicating sexually/seductively with a child
Showing pornographic films, magazines, or photographs to a child
Having to participate in the creation of pornographic materials
Forcing a child to watch a sexual act performed by others
Objectifying or ridiculing a child's sexual body parts

Contact

Kissing or holding a child in a sexual manner
Touching a child's sexual body parts or forcing a child to touch another person's sexual body parts
Penetrating a child anally or vaginally, with objects or fingers
Having vaginal, anal, or oral intercourse with a child

David Finklehor, PH.D. and Angela Brown, PH.D., of the University of New Hampshire, have put together an explanation, which describes the effects of sexual abuse of children, to help us understand how sexual abuse can effect the development of a child. They describe four areas in which children can be affected. They call these areas: Betrayal, Stigmatization, Powerlessness, and Traumatic Sexualization.

A child may be affected in one area or any combination of all four areas to a lesser or greater degree. No two survivors reacts the same, every person's situation, even in the same family home, is unique. Breaking down reactions into these four categories does give us a picture of how someone may behave as a way to cope with the effects of the abuse. Behaviors can carry over into adulthood, especially if untreated.

Betrayal
Affects: Trust and vulnerability has been manipulated
Feelings of safety violated
Child's well-being disregarded

Psychological Impact: Grief, depression, extreme dependency
Inability to know who to trust,
Mistrust of others, especially of gender of offender
Anger or hostility

Possible Behaviors: Clinging
Increased vulnerability to further abuse
Discomfort in close/loving relationships
Aggressive behavior or delinquency
Or no outward signs

Stigmatization
Affects: Offender probably blames the child
Offender and possibly others pressure child for secrecy
Child infers attitudes of shame because of secrecy
Others may blame child for events

Psychological Impact: Guilt, shame
Confused sense of self, lowered self-esteem
Sense of differentness from others

Possible Behaviors: Withdrawing, wanting to be alone
Drug and/or alcohol abuse
Criminal involvement
Suicide or attempts of
Or no outward signs

Powerlessness
Affects: Body invaded against the child's wishes
Offender uses force or trickery to involve child
Child feels unable to protect self
Repeated experience of fear

Psychological Impact: Anxiety, fear
Lowered sense of competency
May look at themselves as a victim
Need to control self and/or others

Possible Behaviors: Nightmares, fears
Chronic headaches or stomachaches
Eating and/or sleeping disorders
Depression
Running away, school problems, employment difficulties
Or no outward signs

Traumatic Sexualization
Affects: Child "rewarded" for sexual behavior not appropriate to development
level
Child relates sexual activity with negative emotions and memories
Wrong information about sexual activity

Psychological Impact: Increased attention of sexual issues
Confusion about what is sexually normal
Possible confusion of sexual identity
Confusion of sex with love and care-getting

Possible Behaviors: Sexual preoccupation
Very sexually active-prostitution
Flashbacks, difficulty in arousal
Avoidance of sex
Or not outward signs

If you, or anyone you know and care for, experiences any of these symptoms, please seek help and support for yourself or encourage your loved ones towards support. A survivor did not ask for, nor deserve the abuse; the abuse was not our fault. We deserve all the support and help we can get to work through the effects of our traumatic experiences.

I hope that my site can be a starting point to gain support and resources as you are either starting out on your healing journey, or even for those who have been healing for awhile and are seeking more tools for their toolbox of healing. I wish you peace and health as you heal the wounds.

Weekly Writing Prompt

KathyRME — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:51:32 CDT

Writing is a way that I work though some of my thoughts. It really puts me in contact with how I am really feeling deep inside. When I try to speak out loud, a lot of times the words get trapped in my throat- unable to find their way to sound. I think this has a lot to do with the past programming that it wasn't safe to 'speak'. I find myself falling into the old patterns of saying what I think others need/want to hear instead of speaking my inner truth.

I am working on this area; working on finding my voice and speaking out loud about how I feel and what I need, but until I get a strong grasp on that skill, I will continue to use writing to express my authentic thoughts.

I thought creating this page would provide us with an opportunity to express in a different way. We have the poetry page to express that form of creativity; we have the thoughts/questions for the day page to write about our days activities, or something we are pondering - this page provides more of an interactive format. We can each post a prompt for others to respond to. Maybe it is a starter sentence for others to finish in their own ways, maybe it is a topic presented for opinion discussion, maybe it is an image to interpret....... It is exciting to discover what we come up with.

Below I will list dates and the actual prompts. If you would like to respond to a particular prompt (present prompt or past prompt) simply scroll down the page to where the "start a new thread" template is and type the prompt title in your subject line. Then you can write away. Let you fingers run!

2009
April 12: Spring: What do you look most forward to about Spring?

April 21: Rain: What is it that you like/dislike about rainy days?

May 3: Stress: How does your body express the stress you hold within?

October 21: Loneliness: How do you help yourself work through the utter loneliness you feel at times while you work through the pain?

Our Animals

KathyRME — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:39:24 CDT

Use photos and text to tell your story. Click EasyEdit, type with your own words: You can write as much as you want!

Your photo is easy to add: Click the EasyEdit button, move your cursor to the place where you want to add a photo, then click the "photo" button in the toolbar and use the "browse" button to find the image you want to insert from your computer. It's that easy. If your picture loads as a very large image, just wait for it to be completely loaded, then you can decrease the size with the minus (-) sign in the image edit box.

The text can be wrapped around your image, or you can have the text start below the photo. You can also move the photo to the right side of the page. See your choices for photo and text placement by clickin on the photo with your mouse and then clicking "image" on the toolbar.

Don't forget that you can edit your words by changing the size, the color, the font type by using your easy edit toolbar. Just highlight the word/s you want to change, then change away.

When you're all done, save your page.

This handsome fellow is Rambo, my Polish rooster. If you are a movie buff, you may recogize his name as that of a character Sylvester Stallone played in a movie of the same title. We called the rooster Rambo because he "Drew First Blood" (another Stallone movie). When we first let little Rambo out of the coop and into his pen, he escaped. You would think because of this escape, we would call him Houdini, but when we were trying to capture him, he was so sneaky that I raked my finger knuckle against the fence trying to catch him. As you can deduce, I cut my knuckle, hence drawing blood.

He is a spicy guy, but a lot of fun to watch prance around the dooryard (my chickens are now freerange).

This is my little adopted girl Bunchinella (she came already named). She is always sitting in this Buddha position; not very lady like, but gets the job done for her.

She is such a silly and needy girl. When she finally sneaks into your lap, she is so happy she begins to drool.

You can't really see from this picture, but Bunchie has one baby blue eye and one yellow eye. Very cool to witness. She is a good girl, definitly a keeper.

Jasper and Blue Eyes have a great Yin Yang going on here in Bandit's doggie bed. A couple of winters ago, I had to 'babysit' my mother-in-law's cats for awhile during the winter. Blue eyes and Jasper became fast friends. Of course, Bandit's bed (being beside the warm wood stove) was the optimal place to nap. The only problem was, as you will see from the picture, it was a tight fit for the both of them (Jasper is overflowing on the left side).

WUTIWYF

godofdanger — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 10:27:28 CDT

godofdanger
Friday, 5:50 PM EDT
Hi Kathy , I did not realise there wasa discussion board until you so kindly pointed it out to me . As regards to taking the focus off me comment ; I was referring to not dwelling on my own problems and feeling sorry for myself . I often joke with female friends that I want to be an Alpha male type , basically growing up I did stay in the background and was shy beyond compare . I have to ask something personal now ..... I don't want to offend you but have you ever seen a counsellor or therapist to be treated or been told that you have PTSD . The reason I'm asking is because I DON'T want to , I want to heal myself and also find out how others are healing . I couldn't bear talking to someone who hasn't experienced this pain themselves . Take care and tell me the titles of these other films . Bye .

KathyRME
Sunday, 4:20 PM EDT
I hear what you are saying. I think there is health in your attitude not to dwell on your [pain] or feeling sorry for yourself. I respect you a great deal for knowing the path you must take. It is not an easy thing to work through the pain on your own, I tried that for many years. It seems to be working well for you and I think that is wonderful. There are many survivors who are successful in their independant healing. Unfortunately, it worked only so long for me, then I realized that the guidance of a trained helper was what I needed. So,yes, I have (and still am) under the guidance of a therapist (which, for me, has simply been an opportunity to talk with someone with a strong understanding of my experiences and to have someone bounce back my ideas so I can gain new insights-this helps me to make informed decisions as to what is next for me on my path. It is my therapy; I am in total control of my sessions. My therapist does not have a litany of questions or statements telling me how I 'should' feel or what I 'should' do. He is a supporter of me while I regain my voice and courage.). And yes, I have been told that some of the effects I describe fall under the category of PTSD. But, I don't consider that a label to swing around like a flag of "I have a right to be down-here is my diagnosis". For me, it is a validation of sorts that explain why some of the effects of my trauma display themselves the way they do and why I struggle to heal certain effects. For example, I have struggled with hellish nightmares my whole life. After working in therapy and feeling I had gained so amazing ground in regaining my individual power, I expected these nightmares to go away. That hasn't been my experience yet. They have lessoned some, and that is a relief-but, they are still signs of deep-rooted pain I still need to work through.
Anyway, I am glad you are seeking to talk with others who understand and respect your journey. Peace

godofdanger
Tuesday, 3:22 PM EDT
Hi Kathy , how've you been keeping ? I posted a video that I saw last year , I even downloaded it onto my i-pod . I wanted to ask you if the campaign you have in the States ,with the blue ribbon and the child abuse awareness month in April are something new. Anything that gets this subject into the spotlight is a good thing ! I am pleased that you have some " newbies " on your website , although I am wary about approaching other survivors . The reason being ( because I can see you getting ready to get on your soapbox ) is that sometimes talking about the abuse just leaves me emotionally drained and as for being so brutally honest with others is ... refreshing but nonetheless scary !You've done a good thing with this group and I hope that others join . Take care K .

KathyRME
Tuesday, 5:49 PM EDT
Hello Surinder. The blue ribbon (actually it is teal) and sexual assault awareness month has been going on for awhile in the states. I agree with you that "anything that gets this subject into the spotlight is a good thing"- educating others about this crime helps to make it 'OK' to finally bring the subject out into the open. With it out into the open, it is now seen and fought against. It is my dream to one day see it eradicated. April was a very busy month for me at my last job. I was a client services director at a rape crisis agency and part of my job was to go around to police departments, organizations, schools... to educate the public about sexual violence. A very rewarding job in many ways (unfortunately, the agency is no longer in existance).

Yes, it is wonderful to see all the newbies here. I want to ensure everyone that this is a safe place to be (I do try to make it here everyday and moderate the site). At the same time, I respect everyone's space to express at their own pace. (Your pretty witty to point out that I may climb upon my soapbox again :o) I so understand what you mean about being left emotionally drained when you talk about abuse; I can relate to that immensly. The thing I try to keep reminding myself is that it is important for me to have 'my voice'. Talking about my abuse, about the horrors I experienced at the hands of another (others), purges my system and allows me to take back my lost power from keeping my 'secrets' for so long. I guess I end up feeling drained, but at the same time I sense a negative energy leaving my body and leaving me stronger each time I do share my story. But, that is my journey and all of our journeys are unique.
I appreciate it whenever anyone compliments my work here. It is all so healing for me to feel a purpose; that purpose being self-expression and sharing information at the same time.

Good to see you, see you again soon!

Links of Interest

KathyRME — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:44:57 CDT

A Starting Path to Resources

"If knowing that someone else has made it through a similar situation gives hope, then knowing how he or she made it gives direction." -Jennifer L. Wilkerson, M.S. The Essence of Being Real

Here you will find a variety of links to places in which I have found helpful resources and to books and music of which I have gained insights and become soothed.

Some of the resources are related to surviving sexual abuse, some are related to spiritual journies, and some are links to sites where you can get some amazing tools to help you or a family/friend on a healing journey.

I want to put right here, front and center, a link that will take you to a listing of all the state sexual assault networks (some are also domestic violence networks). These are the ideal places to contact to seek some resources and support. Most (if not all) provide services for FREE. So, here is the link for you to access your state's coalition of advocates: United States Department Of Justice State Sexual Assault Coalitions

You will note that within this page "Links of Interest" there are also sub-pages for the "Books of Interest" and "Music of Interest". There is also a separate page for "Quotes of Interest". Check that out!

Keep watch as this list will keep building.

Below are some of the links I use the most. Just click on the picture icon and another window will open taking you to the site directly.

The link suggestions listed further below in the threads, unfortunately, are not clickable. My recommendation would be for you to either tab a new browser window open (open another internet exploring window like the one you are using to see my site) then click back on my site (you can see the name of each window in the blue bar at the bottom of your screen), copy the link address contained in one of the threads, click back to your newly opened window and paste the link address in the url box at the top of the new window page and hit enter to go to your link of interest.

If you use this procedure, you can always click back to my page to find more links to explore without having to search your history, or without having to click the back button over and over again to come back here. It is as easy as clicking back and forth between two windows (and never loosing sight of this site)!

Of course, you could also simply bookmark my site (put my page in your favorites), but then again, you would have to come back to this site, go back to 'links of interest' and browse back through the list to find your next link of interest. I am one for simplicity (you would never know that from this lengthy directive-LOL).

Either way you find that works best for you, happy linking!

My most common links of use:

WE ARE SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT

Poetry

KathyRME — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 16:49:31 CDT

One of the most difficult struggles I have had during my healing journey is to give voice to my inner emotional turmoil. My writings and poems are one of my ways of finally expressing the pain I felt in the past (which of course is still trapped inside fighting to be expressed now), and a way for me to work through some of my present confusions.

NOTE: Please be safe when reading some of this material. Sexual abuse is a serious and very tragic crime leaving it's survivors emotionally torn and tortured.
The material I have shared here, as expressions of my pain and struggle, is very graphic. I hope that you are able to ensure your safety and support while reading from this page. If you start to feel overwhelmed, that is normal. But, please stop reading and switch to an activity that brings you happiness and returns peace.

There is an option to respond to any of my writings, or I would love for you to post your own writings of expression here (It doesn't have to be expressions from healing from childhood sexual abuse. We all have our wounds to heal from).

Express Away

NOTE: If you scroll down to just below the box to add a new thread, you will see the option to see all of the created threads to date. There are many different pieces here to explore (I think close to 100 to date), but they don't all show on the first page. Also, you may have to scroll through the posts like this to find something you write when you re-visit the page on a later date.

Information That May Guide You Through Healing

KathyRME — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 07:19:26 CST

This page is under construction - Thank you for your patience.

Here, I hope that you find some information that may answer some of your long held questions. Whether they may be, "Why do I have the same nightmare all the time?", or "What are some of the different stages of healing I may go through?" or even "How long is this going to take?".

I may not be able to provide all the information you need to answer every one of your questions, but that is why I made this site interactive. Please feel free to jump right in with any of your own discoveries of resources. (Just so you know, I am trying to add all my information from reputable books and websites. Please acknowledge your sources when sharing so others can access the original source - I know I like to own a book someone is telling me is a great resource :o)

Gathering Information:
As I had said earlier, coming to this site is a great way to gather information. Here, you will discover information that is pertinent to a sexual abuse healing journey; information recommended by someone who has been on the path to healing for many years. So, you can have faith that the information may help you.

Sometimes, gathering information has to start with you. It is important for you to examine what your needs are. This is a good opportunity to take the time to look at yourself and discover what the best path is for you. Listen to your thoughts and your feelings. You may not be able to sort through all your thoughts or describe all your feelings right now, but you can try to listen to the ones that seem to be closest to the surface; the ones that seem to be the loudest.

Look at the people around you in your life. What people do you want as support and resources? Whom do you trust enough to let into your inner circle of support; trust enough to share you most sacred inner thoughts and feelings; trust enough to help you along your healing journey?

If you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, this can be a great resource to point you in a direction to other support. Maybe your journal shows people you admire, trust, respect and who you think respects you. Maybe you wrote about a movie or a book that made you feel good. These two items can become great resources to help you bring up a sad mood later. You can gather other such resources by tending lectures, reading more books, watching movies others recommend, listing music you find relaxing, discovering on line sites that speak to your needs.

In addition to discovering resources within and around your immediate self, it can be very helpful to discover what resources are available in your surrounding communities.

Community Organizations:
By community organizations, I mean crisis centers, support systems like church groups and support groups, and therapy.

I have placed a link to the list of the Department of Justice Sexual Assault Assistance Centers from all over the USA on my home page and my links of interest page. This link is a great start to find the state crisis center in your home state.

Sexual assault/crisis centers are invaluable resources for gathering free information and support in your state. The state coalitions can place you in contact with one of the crisis center nearest you.

A crisis center can provide free literature, a 24 hour helpline-allowing you the opportunity to talk, support groups, informational presentations, and much more. Also, these local centers can assist you if you are in a position that you need to place a protection of harassment/abuse order on a perpetrator. They have court advocates who can support you through the whole process (and remember, most crisis center provide such services free of cost).

Most communities also offer outpatient counseling services through a county mental health clinic. These clinics usually also include a crisis unit or inpatient hospital unit. Being an outpatient client means that you see a counselor for individual or group therapy for one or two hours a week. Being an inpatient means you have the option of staying overnight and having counselors available to you twenty-four hours a day. Typical inpatient stays range anywhere from one day to a few weeks. Sometimes these crisis units are established in a large home setting which can be more comfortable for some. No matter the surroundings, the idea is to have the support and care there when you need it.

For some survivors, church groups provide a community of supportive people who are nurturing and comforting. However, when choosing any support circle, keep in mind that you should be able to talk about your experiences and feelings honestly, without judgment or blame from anyone. It is important to feel heard and respected, for these are things which will help you to gain inner peace and healing.

February 2009

KathyRME — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:17:42 CST

A month for the heart! Being the month with the holiday of Valentines, we have the opportunity to spend some time reflecting upon what matters to our heart. Perhaps this is a month providing a great chance to establish new routines of giving yourself "me" time. Maybe that was a new year goal that you hadn't gotten to yet. Now is another chance. Set aside a few minutes each day to do whatever you wish; whatever your 'heart' desires. Maybe it is 10 minutes of deep breathing; maybe it is 20 minutes with a good book; or maybe it is 30 minutes sitting under a tree starring at the sky. Whatever it is for you, you deserve every minute of time just for you.

Back to Journal Home Page

January 2009

KathyRME — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:01:58 CST

The new year! For all those procrastinators, like myself, this is an chance to have a fresh start. For all those goals I didn't meet last year, here is my opportunity to try again. I never really give up on goals, I just get distracted by life.

The shortest day of the year has passed and the days are going to begin to gain light. The gaining of sunlight hours provides the opportunity for new birth; birth of life and birth of chances.

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December 2008

KathyRME — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:59:35 CST

December, the last month of a year. Is it the end, or is it the beginning? For some of us, it is the start of a long winter season of short, dark days and chilling snow. Opportunity to huddle inside around a warm fire (or cuddled up in a favorite sweater or blanket) and gather up some inner strength. A time for silent contemplations of the year past and eager goal setting for the new year to come.

Or maybe a brisk walk is in order to ward off cabin fever. Nothing like strolling down a winter trail to listen to the breeze through the trees and the birds twittering about your head. It does not have to be 80 degrees to go outside and get in touch with nature. Winter's wonderland has a lot to offer to those who seek adventure. Better protect those fingers and toes though. The winter breeze's bit is worse than its bark.

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August 2009

KathyRME — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:12:00 CST