Today was a particularly difficult day with group. Not that we don't work well together in the group, but sometimes it is frustrating when you see someone struggling with the same thing you struggled with in the past, and they just don't pay heed to your story (what I mean is they refuse to listen close enough to what you went through and learn so they don't have to go through it too). But, you know, I think we all have to go through it. I think that is the only way for us to learn sometimes; the only way for us to wade through the mess is to actually wade through it. Just a sad thing to witness someone else going through the same battle and there isn't anything you can do but be there while they do it.
That is a huge thing though isn't it? I kinda didn't have anyone beside me while I waded through it. Well, there was my therapists (had three different ones in the heat of my past wading), but they were only there once a week--when I let them. That is the key--when I let them. Just like this member of my therapy group--they are not letting us in; not letting us stand beside them. They are focused on the support of someone who can't be there fully for them, and they are feeling very lost without that special someone.
We all yearn for something deep inside. It is a different something for us all, but there is that dark void that we are all trying to fill. The dark void is the pain. It is the reason we are fighting forward to heal the loss of our innocence; the loss of our safety; the battle back from the betrayals. It isn't one thing; it won't disappear because someone hugs us without our asking; it won't fill in because we loose weight, get rich, have children, find a mate, or win that job promotion. It will only become tolerable when we acknowledge the losses, accept the pain, and make the decision to move forward while continuing to embrace and heal the past.
Just some random thought.

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I did it! I talked with some family members and shared my history of abuse. I shared the secret that I have held for so long, and they listened; they believed; they shared sadness. I feel so lucky. I feel a weight lifted. I feel light.

It was an Aunt and Uncle (my mother's sister) visiting from away whom I talked with, but they were family members I have always looked up to and felt some form of intimidation around (like they had it all together and I felt damaged around, really respected them I guess is what I mean). During the visit, they just started talking about my mom (who is sick with cancer at the moment and who's mental capacities are very limited) and the conversation led to some of the dysfunction in my family of youth. As they continued to inquire about my life, the door of opportunity just opened itself and I shared.

We talked a great deal about what they saw about my childhood home (mostly about the dysfunction in my parent's marriage, and my mother's bouts of depression) and I filled in some blanks about what else went on. To be able to speak out loud to "my family members" was so frightening, yet so exhilarating. I know that I am one of the fortunate few to be able to talk with family and have them not go into denial.

One of the other conversations we had was about my talking with my brothers (abusers) and my mother. I feel it is not going to be an option to talk to my mother because of not only her health issues, but also she wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. There wouldn't be much benefit to me as a result of the conversation because it is almost definately a denial or negative result. My Aunt agreed that my mom is in no state of mind to handle such a conversation in a rational state.

A lot to reflect upon. I just had to share.

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