Today was a particularly difficult day with group. Not that we don't work well together in the group, but sometimes it is frustrating when you see someone struggling with the same thing you struggled with in the past, and they just don't pay heed to your story (what I mean is they refuse to listen close enough to what you went through and learn so they don't have to go through it too). But, you know, I think we all have to go through it. I think that is the only way for us to learn sometimes; the only way for us to wade through the mess is to actually wade through it. Just a sad thing to witness someone else going through the same battle and there isn't anything you can do but be there while they do it.
That is a huge thing though isn't it? I kinda didn't have anyone beside me while I waded through it. Well, there was my therapists (had three different ones in the heat of my past wading), but they were only there once a week--when I let them. That is the key--when I let them. Just like this member of my therapy group--they are not letting us in; not letting us stand beside them. They are focused on the support of someone who can't be there fully for them, and they are feeling very lost without that special someone.
We all yearn for something deep inside. It is a different something for us all, but there is that dark void that we are all trying to fill. The dark void is the pain. It is the reason we are fighting forward to heal the loss of our innocence; the loss of our safety; the battle back from the betrayals. It isn't one thing; it won't disappear because someone hugs us without our asking; it won't fill in because we loose weight, get rich, have children, find a mate, or win that job promotion. It will only become tolerable when we acknowledge the losses, accept the pain, and make the decision to move forward while continuing to embrace and heal the past.
Just some random thought.

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My soul is lost
somewhere in a corner
while my body lies frozen

I drift into nothingness
avoiding all sensation
as the betrayal goes on

A void filled mass
moves on commmand
with no choice of my own

Don't remember how it starts
Don't remember when it ends
Only remember the emptiness

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Hello all! I have missed being on line and being able to come here. But, now not to worry; problem solved and I am back.

Hope all are well and I look forward to getting caught up with you all and also I look forward to posting some new info (been reading a lot lately since I haven't been able to come on line).

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A string on a kite flying high in the breeze
A thousand butterflies danced free from your heart
Spring rang free with zillions of colors everywhere
Water has never tasted so pure, so divine, so renewing
Father Sky has the bluest eyes you've ever seen
Mother Earth's carpet of grass is the truest green of all
The four winds - how they tickle your hair and whisper to play.
How you search for a hill to roll down.
Balloon set free from your heart and hand,
floating high and higher still
taking a million miles of memories along for the ride
to a better place of healing, time to start feeling.
FEELING ALIVE.....
BREATHE IN.....That pain is going away
BREATHE OUT....to make room for better days.
Skies so blue, seas so green, how come before we could never see?
Close your eyes and now open again and see, all is anew...waiting for you.

Kanatka

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This is my first post. Words don't come easy. After 40 years of silence maybe you can understand why. I told the truth now 6 years ago - to my second husband only after we had been married for 3 years. My first marriage lasted 15 years.(married an abuser) When I did tell my 2nd husband, I couldn't even look at him - but was behind him holding him tight and I whispered it into his ear. He said he thought it was something like that. and then we cried all night. Those two years of counseling - I thought I'd never cry more, but I was wrong. My therapist wanted me to tell at least one of my parents, something I didn't have the courage to do, so my husband and I did it together and told my father about my uncle and my brother and his friends. His response was "What do you want me to do about it?" It wasn't handled right or wrong, but we tried again in the counselor's office and that's when he said he didn't believe me. A year later I told my mother who also denied me. I grew stronger and told my children. My son believed me, my daughter doesn't say whether or not she believes me - but she refuses to talk about it, saying that it's uncomfortable for her. Last year with God's help (literally) I knew I needed to face my brother and forgive him. He denied it, but accepted my forgiveness. In keeping on with my "truth statement" I called my ex-husband last night to tell him about my past and to let him know how it had impacted our marriage and played in ending of our marriage. In the end, he didn't believe me either. The only person(s) that has ever believed me or in me are: my husband, my friends, my therapist. My family has deserted me. WHY? Punishment, shame, abandonment again! It is like I have sinned against them because I have came forward and told the truth. Where is acceptance?

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During the Easter holiday time I experienced some terrible stomach and head aches. I attributed it to a possible Spring flu bug traveling around. After a couple of days, the pain subsided.
Well, it is back. Now I am thinking it is a bit more than a flu bug. I am beginning to think it may be more due to my inner turmoil; beginning to think it may be expressions of the emotional battles which have been warring within.
I recognized the pain's return last Wednesday when I traveled to a meeting which was to re-invigorage a group project. Then, on the way home, my pick up truck lost all it's motor compression-errrrr. So the thunder rolls.
I fear that between the inner work I am doing in therapy, and the difficulties I am dealing with in my every day life are weighing a bit too much on my soul. I have been diagnosed with ulcers in the past and fear the issue may be back and intensified. This all just makes me feel so defeated (which certainly won't help the matter any).
I feel so frustrated because I can't sort out whether physical pains are because of body memories, anxiety, and such or if they are because there is some health issue that needs to be addressed by my physician. I am either going insane or falling apart. I just know that I hurt and believe I deserve to discover a way to help myself feel better sooner than later.

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When I think of you
my breath stutters;
takes flight like a startled bird.
It catches and burns
as it retreats back into my chest,
robbing me of life.
I am enveloped by panic and fear
in my breathless solitude.
When you enter my thoughts,
I slowly suffocate
until survival sets me free
to breathe once again.

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It doesn't matter how hard I run ,
the pain always overtakes me .
Succumb to the inevitable darkness ,
surrounds with an all too familiar coldness .
Turned the other cheek 'til I'm bent over backwards ,
fought countless wars to be tossed aside with cowards .
The monster resides in my refection ,
I didn't cross that line into damnation .
It doesn't have to be this way ,
just to barely survive day to day .
Given a choice I won't be the voice
of innocence lost to your tryst .
I'd be your last breath so , " Cry havoc ",
five fingers come together as a fist .
The rain makes the ground appear celestial ,
the flower that blooms in adversity ,
I am alive and beautiful
and free .

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There are links on the left side (Home, Poetry, Links of Interest (Books of Interest), and when you get into them, sometimes it is helpful to click on "view all". Especially in my poetry section because I posted one piece of writing that took four different threads because of space limit.

Hope you gain something from my site.

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Types of Warped Thoughts Warped Thought Definition Click icons for examples
All or none thinking Everything is perceived to be either full on or full off.
If something isn't fully completed/ or right/ or perfect/ then it's entirely uncompleted/wrong/spoiled. Moody says "Because the paint ran on that last window shelf, I've made a complete f*** up of the job."


Elle says "Because some of the highlights in my hair are not quite the right shade, my haircut is a total failure."
Cyberman says "Because I only got a C in my last exam, I've completely lost credibility as an academic student."
Overgeneralisation One example of a mistake or error is interpreted as a pattern of mistakes, and errors. Moody says "The fact that I couldn't speak to that girl at the party indicates (what I've always known) that I'm always going to have trouble talking in social situations."
Elle, who has never had a car accident before, says "the fact that I reversed my boyfriend's new BMW into the concrete fence indicates what I've always known: that I'm a rotten driver, likely to have more and more accidents."
Cyberman says "I trod on that dog poo in the park, and since this will always happen, I'll never walk in that park again."

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